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    Last updated At any given time, there is no shortage of trend pieces to make us single women sweat.

    All I can think about when I see those headlines, though, is that dating was never alive for me in the first place. I struggled to make friends in person, but platonic relationships formed quickly and easily through LiveJournal communities and AOL Instant messenger chat rooms.

    My success with making friends online does not translate to finding a romantic relationship online with the same ease. In the beginning, I wondered why it was impossible to find someone who was looking for more than a casual quickie.

    Like many women, I asked myself, Am I too ugly? Or maybe I am just too weird?

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    But the viral OKCupid blog post about messaging and race confirmed a nagging fear: Did you read my profile at all before contacting me? But I had to start considering the plausibility. Getting photos and profiles picked and edited by friends. Not expecting my best matches to come to me and messaging them first. Lowering, er, adjusting my standards. Becoming open to dating all races. Ten years gives you a lot of time to try different things.

    While I have not figured out how to get a firm foot in the world of online dating, I have learned a few things during the past decade. Having sex with a black woman is on the bucket list of more people than I thought. Not with strangers no 5: What are you trying to find out here? For some reason, a lot of people think that the amount of melanin I have would make a difference in their sexual experience.

    I never let anyone have the chance to figure out their jungle fever fantasy with me. A lot of people see me as a black person, first and foremost. I often see accusations that black people are always the ones who bring up race first in a conversation. In my experience online dating, the other person has always introduced the subject of race, especially when it has nothing to do with the present conversation.

    I noticed that white men like to ask if I am interested in white guys—even when mutual interest is a mandatory prerequisite to exchange messages. We both swiped right on Tinder. We both said yes on Coffee Meets Bagel.

    We both pressed that check mark on Hinge. Then why are they asking me if I am interested in white guys when I obviously expressed interest in them? This is something that none of my white friends have experienced.

    I think about that often. The lack of desire for black women is not a uniquely online phenomenon. Technology has merely added a twofold effect: When it comes to experiencing explicit racial bias, I had been fortunate for most of my life.

    No matter how much I work on myself or the number of awards that I win, I will always be some sex object to most people who see, first and foremost, the color of my skin. And I cannot control that. And it looks like my fears have come true. I am not just an outsider due to the color of my skin.

    And the presence of all this supporting evidence weighs heavily on me. Most of the black women I know have had little-to-no problem finding dates or they have already found the partner with whom they want to spend the rest of their lives.

    In the end, what depresses me the most is the idea that there is something about me that I can never change. Even if I am some inherently undesirable human being due to who I am inside, I can change that. But I can never change the color of my skin, which has been an undeniable obstacle to finding love.

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    Illustration by Max Fleishman.
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    Struggling to find new date ideas? Here are some of your favorites More dating advice Long-term happiness You might be debating whether or not to sign up to an online dating site or had an unsatisfactory experience with one in the past.

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    Assisted Schools May 28, I been pent this guy for 6 years and we have bad out on our first starting.

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